Getting embarrassed by just looking at the title? This can simply be prevented by LOCKING your door! But how can we handle this situation once it happened? Dr Lua Yuan Hao has provided us with some tips to encounter this situation.
Stay Calm.
It is very important to stay calm during this awkward situation. Do not panic or show embarrassment. Otherwise, your child may sense your body language and conclude that sex is shameful.
Even though you were startled in the first place, you can contain the situation by explaining, “We were really surprised to see you there. We thought we were alone, and we probably reacted in a very strong way that you saw,” advises Deborah Roffman, during the interview carried out with Fatherly.
Accept that it happened.
It is very important to not scold or put the blame on the child. Again, it is always the adults’ carelessness. Let the child knows he/she did nothing wrong by walking in.
Nonetheless, you should not pretend it never happened. Do not wait for your child to raise the topic, as that puts the responsibility on him/her. Promptly follow up with your child at an appropriate time and place to discuss the incident, ideally the following day.
It is also not ideal to lie to your child. Lying to a child is never good for their development. “Who knows how long your child will hold on to that lie? We never know the impact of the lie onto the perception and attitude towards sex in the long run, nor onto the perception of the child towards the parents when he/she found out about the lie in the future,” said Dr Lua.
Discuss the situation based on your child’s age
The conversation should start by exploring the child’s impression of what he/she saw to have a general idea on how to start. Your goal should be to answer questions honestly without oversharing and to leave the door open for future conversations. Statements such as “We were having a private, adult moment” can be helpful. You can categorize sex as a universal activity that is not harmful or scary by telling their child something such as, “This is what all parents do.”
The approach and language should be tailored according to the child’s age. Avoid providing unnecessary information or answering questions the child is not asking. For 3 and 4 years old, give simple explanations eg, “We were hugging”. Bear in mind most will not understand what they see. For child 5 years and older, give age-appropriate explanations. Educational conversations about sexuality might be appropriate for children age 8 to 12 and older.
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Do |
Don’t |
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Stay calm and explain your initial reaction |
Do not panic or show embarrassment. Otherwise, your child may sense your body language and conclude that sex is shameful. |
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Promptly follow up with your child at an appropriate time and place to discuss the incident, ideally the following day.
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Do not wait for your child to raise the topic, as that puts the responsibility on him/her. |
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Provide a simple explanation. |
Don’t provide a lengthy, detailed explanation that might confuse the child. |
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Tailor the approach and language according to the child’s age. |
Avoid providing unnecessary information or answering questions the child is not asking. |
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Answer your child’s question in a simple and factual matter.
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Avoid lying to your child. |
Question: What will happen to the child’s development if the parents don’t address the subject appropriately?
Answer: If parents do not address the subject appropriately, their child might be confused and uncomfortable with his/her interpretation of the encounter. Some older research suggests that after witnessing their parents in a sexual encounter, children may have difficulty with affectional love, fears of being alone, or feelings of vulnerability.
Tips from Dr Lua
There are always potential positive outcomes in every situation, including this. For example, incidents like this can help reassure the child that his/her parents love each other, which can give him/her a sense of happiness and security. Lastly, take steps to prevent this awful situation from happening again. Make sure doors are locked when having sex and consider the proximity of rooms because children may hear noises and become curious.
Special Thanks:
Dr Lua Yuan Hao
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Psychiatric trainee in psychiatry and mental health under University Putra Malaysia, practising in Hospital Kuala Lumpur.
References:
- https://www.mdedge.com/psychiatry/article/226313/what-tell-parents-whose-child-saw-them-having-sex?fbclid=IwAR3XyWCtoBgGCWGVFUZ79UtN53r_uexmOaimvixod3BOOP-hWt67IY2vN08
- https://www.parentmap.com/article/caught-in-the-act-by-your-kids-how-to-cope#:~:text=Start%20with%20%E2%80%9CHey%2C%20you%20know,by%20walking%20in%2C%20says%20Leman.
- https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/what-to-do-kid-sees-parents-sex/#:~:text=Be%20Straightforward%20About%20What%20They%20Saw&text=You%20might%20feel%20like%20lying,away%20a%20lot%20of%20detail.
- https://www.kidspot.com.au/health/ask-the-expert/ask-dr-justin/ask-dr-justin-we-were-caught-in-the-act-what-do-we-tell-our-child/news-story/cd9698bde5cd5b660e73c68384ba19a2
